Protect the Boys Too.

WHY PEOPLE GET ANGRY WHEN INTROVERTS GO OFFLINE

Boundaries are essential for mental health

You know, I think I have finally figured it out. I now understand why people get angry when an introvert goes offline or takes extended ‘me time’ to recharge. They take it so personally, as though its an act of war, and for the longest time I couldn’t understand why.

Alhamdulillah, one of the blessings we introverts have is the ability to self-soothe. That means we can comfort ourselves. When we’re sad, anxious, or facing problems, we don’t immediately run around looking for people to rescue us. We go inward. Personally, I Pray to Allah for help, then I sit, think, and weigh my options, and work through my situation. In the past, I tried talking to people, but I quickly learnt from childhood that it isn’t always wise to share my problems, or even my plans, because people can use anything against you.

Many people who aren’t introverted don’t have this ability to soothe themselves. They need other people to calm them, to vent to. And that is not inherently bad. Talking to someone can be a relief, as long as its not about tearing others down or slandering them. We’re human; its good to talk. But its also wonderful to know how to comfort yourself. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t do that. Introverts, on the other hand, often act as emotional anchors. Because we understand people’s struggles, when they come to us we comfort them, give them good advice, and keep their secrets. They trust us. But then we step back, when we go offline to protect ourselves and recharge, they get angry. It’s as if we’re their free therapists. I didn’t come to this world to be someone’s therapists. Just because I help you sometimes doesn’t make it your right to have my time and energy whenever you want. I need my time too. I need to protect myself. But many people don’t want to understand that. They feel entitled to our presence, it’s not possible. We’re human beings; we need rest. And here is something important: Introverts rarely open up. We don’t go around telling people our problems. So if an introvert comes to you and share their problem or plans, it’s because they value you deeply. Unfortunately, instead of recognizing this as a sign of trust, many people are so shocked and excited that they run to tell someone else – “Did you know this person told me this?” – Sometimes, not even out of malice but because they cannot believe it themselves. But that’s still a betrayal. If an introvert shares something with you, keep it. Don’t tell even your mother. You might trust her, but that introvert doesn’t. And your mother might tell your siblings, who might tell their friends, and before you know it, your private matter is out.

The need for solitude is greatly misunderstood.

So back to my initial hypothesis: the reason people get angry when we go offline to recharge is because they cannot self-soothe and they rely on us to soothe them. They’ve been leaning on us for emotional labor and they feel entitled to it. But that’s not why we’re here. Everyone should learn to protect themselves. If you can’t self-soothe, then perhaps you need a paid therapist. Only then will you understand how valuable the time and emotional support we give you really is.

And yet, ironically, when we introverts don’t ask others for advice, they call us arrogant or think we consider ourselves better than everyone. No. We simply understand the emotional toll it takes to constantly absorb other people’s problems. It’s called emotional vampirism. That’s why therapists are paid so much money. People use introverts as free therapists, but when we take time for ourselves, it becomes an issue. We’re not even asking for their help, we’re simply going offline to recover. But somehow, it’s seen as defiance. I honestly don’t get it.

 

By: Hadiza Bagudu

website🌍

INTROVERT (Poem)

 

I'm an introvert; hear me say,

My thoughts and feelings held at bay,

A quiet soul, who often shies,

Away from crowds and people's eyes.

 

But in my silence, I find my strength,

A space to think and go at length,

To dive into my deepest mind,

And leave the noise and chaos behind.

 

I'm not one for the spotlight's glare,

Or parties where I must beware,

Of small talk and shallow chat,

That leaves me feeling drained and flat.

 

But in a book or a quiet space,

I find my joy and my own pace,

To explore the world and my own heart,

And grow into the person I want.

 

So please don't judge or try to change,

The way I am, the way I arrange,

My world to suit my introverted soul,

For in my quietness, I feel whole.

 

© 2023 Hadiza Bagudu

From my collection: The Quiet Parts

 

 

Read Fantah on my website: www.hadizab.com